A little knowledge about how our brains work is all you need to spot the warning signs of conflict – and then avoid it. By Lori Shook
As an actuary, you’re used to facts, figures and logic; numbers themselves tell a story and suggest next steps and solutions. However, not everything is black and white. Grey areas create room for disagreement and conflict.
For example, you and another actuary might disagree about what interest or inflation rate you should use in your calculations. There are also areas you cannot control, such as an underwriter taking your price recommendation and distorting it as they bend to commercial demands.
When these kinds of disagreements happen, it can quickly feel personal. You might feel rejected or disrespected. Mild discomfort may linger in your interactions, you might avoid one another, or it could escalate into a long-term adversarial relationship. How did a business interaction become so personal?
Why it happens
Humans are social beings: we live and work in social systems, and a significant amount of the brain is focused on monitoring and assessing our interactions with others for the sake of staying safe and surviving.
Only slightly exaggerating, the brain is programmed to interpret some interactions as being as serious as a death threat – so of course it feels personal.
A primitive part of the brain, which evolved when humans lived on the savannah, has built-in rules about what is good or bad in our engagements with others. A sense of belonging can create feelings of safety and is labelled ‘good’, while uncertainty is labelled dangerous or ‘bad’ – in fact, the brain would rather be certain about something, anything, than deal with not knowing.
When the brain interprets a situation as bad or dangerous, it issues an alert and releases adrenaline and cortisol into our bodies. We feel stressed and a ‘fight or flight’ reaction follows.
Let’s say you make a recommendation to a colleague that differs from their own views. By default, their brain will interpret their idea as right and yours as wrong. Your recommendation is then interpreted by them as an attack.
But you don’t know all that – all you see is their behaviour. They may be mildly defensive; they might challenge your thinking or your facts; they may ask an overly critical question, argue with you or even insult you, all because their brain interpreted your recommendation as ‘bad’ and a threat to their survival.
Meanwhile, your nervous system picks up on their reaction, and your brain sends you an impulse to argue back, defend your ideas and force them to agree with you.
You both defend your positions and your need to be right. It feels tense, entrenched. And this can happen even when the conversation is about a grey area in which there is no real right or wrong. If you had initially sensed each other’s reactions, you could have defused the situation and saved a lot of stress.
The emotional brain is always actively monitoring your interactions, and is often contributing an opinion whether you are aware of it or not. Reactions are normal – they’re programmed in. Recognising this will help you understand how misunderstandings and conflicts can happen, how to navigate them, and even how to avoid them in the future.
Preventing escalation
Don’t leave room for interpretation The brain relies heavily on assumptions and interpretations to fill in missing or unclear information. If something is unsure or there’s a reasoning that is not explicitly noted, the brain will decide this information for itself. The brain is also negatively biased, so it’s likely that the other person’s interpretation will be against your recommendation.
- Communicate thoroughly to ensure that all the information is available and limit the space of others’ interpretation
- Add crucial context and background to your suggestion.
Pay attention to levels of power We are very sensitive to relative levels of power and position. If there is anything in your communication that may insult, override or get one-up on the other person, or make them feel inadequate, their brain will issue an alert and they will end up in fight-or-flight mode, trying to find faults in your ideas so they can regain their own sense of power and control.
- Ensure your demeanour and tone of voice (verbal or written) is free of condescension
- Stay aware that it’s easy to get into a ‘power over’ state when offering ideas and recommendations.
Notice threat reactions early
By paying close attention, you can start to notice others’ threat reactions and stop them before they intensify, or before your own brain reacts in kind. The faster you sense a threat behaviour, the sooner you can nip it in the bud.
- As soon as you sense a threat reaction in someone else, find out what the person needs or what their concerns are
- Be curious and try to address their concerns before defaulting to defending your own position.
Catch your own reactions
Despite all your efforts to keep a conversation on a logical level, the primitive emotional brain is always active and will generate a threat reaction when someone disagrees with you. However, you don’t have to allow it to become a conflict.
- When you notice that you are reacting to a person or situation, take a mental step back, or pause the conversation until you can return to it in a less reactive state
- Take an actual break if needed – it’s better to delay the conversation than to let it get out of hand.
Build resilience
Conflict happens more often when we are tired, hungry, worried or stressed, because in that state we have less resilience to stop or recover from our reactions.
- Invest in self-care and wellbeing practices. This will give your brain more capacity to act reasonably.
Recovering afterwards
Conflict does sometimes happen – so how can you recompose yourself after the most uncomfortable disagreements?
- Recognise that you are flooded with adrenaline and cortisol. This is not the best time to address a difficult situation or give feedback. Instead, find a way to burn off the adrenaline by going out for a vigorous walk or engaging in some other exercise
- Practise a moment of mindfulness. You might find this ‘ABC’ exercise helpful:
A: become aware of your own reactions
B: breathe and take a mental step back or a longer break if needed
C: consciously choose how you want to respond
- Once you are in a calmer state of mind, address your differences rather than avoiding them
- Practice de-escalation rather than escalation; when things start building, stop and reassess
- Be honest with yourself about your intentions – don’t try to set the world to rights or get back at others
- Get curious about the needs behind your own reactions. Learn from them and adjust your behaviour, rather than letting them dictate it
- Notice your own need to be right and try to let it go.
Lori Shook is a coach, trainer, speaker and author. Her company, shooksvensen, helps organisations to become better places to work
Image credit | Shutterstock
