There’s no point speaking if no one hears you. Effective communication starts with silence – this is the understated art of listening, says Tan Suee Chieh
As a young person, I tended to confuse effective communication with good oratory. Effective communication, I thought, hinged on speaking well.
Over the years, I learned that I had it the wrong way around. To speak is one thing, to be heard and understood is another. Creating the psychological conditions for listening requires us to listen first and listen well. This is the art of leadership – the key to communicating effectively and creating change.
The power of listening
Actuaries have a lot to say: about our planetary crisis, the future of defined benefits, the outlook of our profession, and more. The stakes of effective communication are high, and there never seems enough time or attention to go round. As a result, we often feel the need to speak, regardless of who – if anyone – is listening.
How many times have you asked a question and started thinking of your riposte before the other person has even answered? This kind of speaking is ‘broadcasting’ or, at best, ‘talking’. It might get things off our chest but is unlikely to yield the results we are looking for. For our message to be heard, we need ‘committed speaking’ – and that starts with listening to the other person.
A recent meeting of senior actuaries exemplifies what this looks like in practice. Two senior actuaries, Charles Cowling (president-elect of the International Actuarial Association) and Ashok Gupta (chair of Mercer UK) had opposing views on a complicated pensions matter, and their top priority, before firing ahead with their arguments, was to understand one another’s perspective. We often skip this step because of our time poverty, but it is precisely this step that can prevent us from going round in circles, our messages falling on deaf ears.
The meeting ended with each having an understanding of the other’s position, and agreement on the issues. The techniques used are explained well in the chapter ‘Seek First to Understand, Then to Be Understood’ in Steven Covey’s book The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People. Effective communication starts, counterintuitively, with silence and paying attention. We have to show up in an attentive and mindful state.
A shared context
Why does listening work so well? Because it signals respect and understanding.
Our views and opinions are ‘path-dependent’. We all got to where we are through the places we’ve been. By listening and paying attention to the speaker, we signal that we value their map of the world. This generates the ‘shared context’ needed to unlock their trust.
We often see this in high-performing teams. These teams spend a lot of time with one another and have high levels of trust and a common purpose. Building such trust and purpose can be difficult in our time-poor lives. However, when we view communication as a long game – not just something that happens in a meeting or presentation, but something that depends on the qualities of our relationships – then time spent creating and cementing a common purpose is not wasted.
Shared context comes to the rescue, particularly when the content of the communication is complex. Working through tasks need not be difficult or controversial, but more critical communications often require a mutual understanding of the ‘why’, as well as the ‘what’. Why should this be our strategy? Why should we allocate our resources in this way? Shared context and purpose enables participants to put their needs and personalities aside and focus on the common vision. It helps reduce stonewalling, rationalisation and defensiveness.
The role of mindfulness
Mindfulness and meditation have become popular in the West in recent decades, and are a welcome antidote to our busy lifestyles. Just as we don’t spend enough time listening, we also don’t spend enough time reflecting, simply ‘being there’ and ‘showing up’ in a quiet way.
When we are mindful, we no longer identify so strongly with our views and preferences. For example, our taste in food changes over time. (Sandwiches have grown on me over the years!) The food is the same, but we view it differently. The same can happen to our views on music, people, politics and philosophy.
Although this is not difficult to understand, it can be difficult to live by. Part of the reason we find it so hard to listen, and so easy to attack, is that we hold onto our views so strongly. Those with whom we disagree are often subjected to our inner critic and prejudice before we give them the time of day.
Mindfulness can help us realise that our preferences and beliefs are impermanent and don’t define us. Our views have a path dependence and can change. Understanding this makes it easier to appreciate the path dependence of others.
I don’t always practise my own advice, but when I am in a mindful state, I rarely say anything I later regret, and difficult conversations become easier.
Reading Room
Dialogue: The Art Of Thinking Together by William Isaacs
Expands on the four elements of true and effective dialogue: Listening, respecting, suspending (judgment) and voicing
A psychological exploration of our inner life. The references to ‘wide’ and ‘narrow’ attention are particularly insightful
Expands on the enormous pay-off of good listening and how to do it properly
Framing the conversation
If listening is about creating the psychological conditions for effective communication, what do we do once those conditions have been created?
The world has no shortage of high-quality tips on speaking and writing well: clarity, the order of presenting ideas, and so on. One thing I find particularly useful is framing.
How often have you listened to someone speak and wondered, “What do they expect from me?” Or, worse, how often have you got to the end of a delicately crafted presentation only to be asked, “What’s the ask?”
Framing, or ‘labelling’ the conversation, helps the speaker set the scene, signal what is coming and set out what they expect of their interlocutors. For example:
- A request for decision
- A request for action
- A request for exploration or brainstorming.
Fernando Flores, in his book Conversations For Action and Collected Essays, identifies different types of conversations and the art of building commitment. Clear framing can make sure everyone is on the same page, creating a ‘shared context’ in a narrower, conversational sense.
Speaking up
Communication is not just about when we want to say something – it is also about when we have a duty to say something. ‘Speaking up’ is one of the six principles in the Actuaries’ Code. Although we tend to think of speaking up in the context of regulatory or conduct matters, or on issues such as climate change, it also applies in day-to-day meetings.
We would expect a decision reached by a group to be better than decisions of individual group members, but this is often not the case. Why? Because individuals fail to speak up. This can be for several reasons, including introversion, caution and conflict avoidance – all common traits among the actuarial profession. To those who are reticent, I say: when someone who is normally quiet speaks up, they tend to be taken seriously. Exercise this privilege!
We can make it easier for ourselves to speak up: speak sooner rather than later in meetings, before the opportunity is lost; seek people out in private if you want to avoid public conflict; or speak to someone more senior who would understand your point of view. And, of course, practise, practise, practise!
Tan Suee Chieh was IFoA president from 2021–22 and a Council member from 2017–22
