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The Actuary The magazine of the Institute & Faculty of Actuaries
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La Nuit Des Actuaires

“Why does a heavy metal fan want to become an actuary?
Because he wants to be paid for predicting death and destruction.”

This was one of the winning entries in a competition launched by GAAPS Actuarial to find the funniest industry jokes. Its author, Piotr Przybysz, was awarded tickets to the 6th annual Night of the Actuaries, held in Paris on Saturday 28th March.

A short distance from the illuminated Arc De Triomphe, Le Pavillon Dauphine hosted the festivities. Caviar, crudités and various other trendy finger foods accompanied flowing champagne, greeting sponsors and their guests upon arrival. The assembled crowd were warmly greeted by the President of the Kactu’Z association, Vincent Meister, who delighted in telling how important the annual event had become in the actuarial calendar.

Two hours in, the live band packed up and moved across to another larger room just in time for the rest of the 1600 guests to arrive. The mixed crowd ranged from students and young professionals to long serving members of the actuarial community. Sophie Sicard, European consultant for GAAPS France said, “We are excited to be the only sponsor representing the field of specialised actuarial recruitment. It’s a fantastic way for us to celebrate the success of our first year of operation in France.” She went on to say that she hoped the following year would see the event marketed to UK based actuaries as well since the networking opportunities were second to none.

Other than the copious amounts of alcohol being served, there were several treats lined up to keep attendees entertained. The massage room proved popular, with those leaving it looking like they had just spent two weeks relaxing on a far flung Pacific island beach. Upstairs, a pick’n’mix room brought out general wide eyed excitement as guests picked the confectionary of their choice from a buffet table full of sweets and jellies, while music pumping out from the main hall had guests dancing the night away until five o clock in the morning.

Review by Gideon Schneider

Below are more of the winning entries for the GAAPS joke competition.

What is the difference between an Actuary and an Accountant?
About 25 grand!

Two people are flying in a hot air balloon and realize they are lost. They see a man on the ground, so they navigate the balloon to where they can speak to him. They yell to him, “Can you help us - we’re lost.” The man on the ground replies, “You’re in a hot air balloon, about two hundred feet off the ground.” One of the people in the balloon replies to the man on the ground, “You must be an actuary. You gave us information that is accurate, but completely useless.” The actuary on the ground yells to the people in the balloon, “You must be in marketing.” They yell back, “yes, how did you know?” The actuary says,” well, you’re in the same situation you were in before you talked to me, but now it’s my fault.”

What is an actuary’s favourite dessert?
Pi

f(x)=6x+3 walks into a bar. “Got any sandwiches?” f(x)=6x+3 asks the barman.
“Sorry,” he replies, “We don’t cater for functions.”

How many accountants does it take to find the present value of an annuity?
Three. One to determine the amount of each payment, one to figure out which account to put the answer in, and one to go ask an actuary how to calculate it.

All the functions of x are at a party. They are all having fun, dancing and mingling except exp(x). Exp(x) is standing alone in the corner looking miserable. The other functions notice this and approach him they ask him “exp(x) why don’t you integrate with us?” and he replied “because it makes no difference!”

Top six things you will never hear an actuary say:
6. I have a hot date tonight.
5. I got a lot out of that marketing meeting.
4. Our prices are too high.
3. Just throw out that large loss; it’ll never happen again.
2. We’ve got to take more chances here.
1. We can expect your favourable trend to continue indefinitely.

Why does a heavy metal fan want to become an actuary?
He wants to be paid for predicting death and destruction.

A man with a wooden leg wanted to buy fire insurance for his leg. The first actuary quoted an annual premium of £500, estimating that the leg would burn once in 20 years and the value of the leg is £10,000. The second actuary quoted an annual premium of £50. When the second actuary was asked how he arrived at such a small figure, he replied, “I have this situation in the fire schedule rating table. The object is a wooden structure with an upper sprinkler, isn’t it?”

Where did the actuary go on his holidays?
To Q-Ba!

After the actuary failed his exam, he started thinking of quitting the exams altogether and becoming a professional fisherman. But then he discovered that he couldn’t live on his net income.